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Log with Kirk: Give me one more chance!
Sulu knew what he had to do more than anything; he had to... go apologize to Jim. It was an awful feeling in his stomach that came with the idea that he'd lied to one of the most decent guys he knew and for something so ridiculously stupid.
Chewing on his nails and fretting about it, however, wasn't going to solve any problems. So, he quietly dried his hair, donned his uniform and headed for the Captain's quarters.
He really needed to stop being so upset. It was an honest mistake - a stupid one, but one he could live with if he could... explain it to Jim. (Which was going to be hard, since he didn't even know why he did it at all.)
When he reached the Captain's quarters, he called through the room's comm. "...Captain Kirk, sir?"
Chewing on his nails and fretting about it, however, wasn't going to solve any problems. So, he quietly dried his hair, donned his uniform and headed for the Captain's quarters.
He really needed to stop being so upset. It was an honest mistake - a stupid one, but one he could live with if he could... explain it to Jim. (Which was going to be hard, since he didn't even know why he did it at all.)
When he reached the Captain's quarters, he called through the room's comm. "...Captain Kirk, sir?"
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"Is there something you need, Lieutenant?" It was a dick move, probably, to do that instead of opening the door, but he really wasn't in the mood because he was actually in a good mood from talking to Bones and he didn't want to ruin it by being mad at Sulu.
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He cleared his throat. Don't be such a woman. "I wanted to - that is, I need to apologize to you and not over a comm or in text or... anything."
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"You've already apologized, Lieutenant. I don't understand what you think needs further clarification." He wasn't even going to pretend or insinuate that there were no hard feelings, though, because Jim took these things ~*very seriously.*~ Hell, maybe he'd just been hanging around Sylar and his irrational hatred of lies for too long.
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Honestly it was almost more relieving to be treating this officially. Sulu had never been really good at personal relationships and going by friendly terms would just make it harder. "I understand, sir, I just - I needed to say it in person. I apologize from keeping this from you, Captain, I lost my head. It was a reckless maneuver and I shouldn't have proceeded as I did." Man, this was stressing him out. "I didn't think about the consequences."
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"I don't know, sir. I've never been in this position before," this position being lying to a friend and your superior officer. Sulu'd always been really good about not doing that. What the hell had happened? "I offered to resign but you... said no to that?" He gave Jim a cautious look, because he didn't really know if it had been a no, maybe it had been a We'll see, Lieutenant, and he bit his cheek. "There's nothing I can do to make up for compromising your trust in me. Not that I can think of." Because he wouldn't forgive himself, really.
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Though it was harder to look Jim in the eye than a metaphorical problem.
"I haven't told the rest of the crew." Not that it mattered, they'd all find out eventually. Hell, he could already hear Scotty making fun of him. "All I know is that I've screwed up and made things awkward between us and," he squared his shoulders, "You're my friend, so I should have trusted that you wouldn't have reacted... however I expected you to react. I shouldn't have acted like this was some personal crisis when it - well, no, it is a personal crisis, I'm not going to deny that. It's something that's personally affecting me, but how I chose to handle it negatively affected other people."
His stomach twisted and he clasped his hands in front of him on instinct. "Look, Captain - mm. Jim. I really... I screwed up on this one." Why'd he have to make this so personal? Damn it.
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"You're not getting it. Do you even know how it feels to know your own goddamn crew can't -- No. You know what? Do you know how it feels to know that your friends can't trust you with something? What did you think I'd do? What reason could you possibly have to think it was worth tricking me and lying about?" Really, he just couldn't understand it. There was nothing that was going to make him understand it because he was Jim and lying was stupid unless it was absolutely necessary.
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He let the silence stretch, trying to remember why he had done it at all, but it was all a blank. "I - I don't know," he said finally, "I didn't mean to, I just - look, I haven't really, I don't really have friends, I usually try to keep things professional because that's easier, or whatever, and I didn't think about anyone else being offended or hurt about me just pretending I was someone else for a few days."
He grabbed a fistful of his hair and tugged on it, trying to think because there was... some kind of special code to this. There always was, after all. "I woke up and I was like this, and I panicked and called Dr. McCoy, I asked him not to tell you for some stupid reason that I honestly don't even remember, and then I just figured if I could wait it out, I would be able to... you know, pretend it never happened. I don't know!" He pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I just acted like a complete idiot because I wasn't thinking about anyone else. I don't know what you want me to say, Jim. There's only so many times I can say 'I screwed up' before it gets old and it's gotten to that point now. I tried resigning but you didn't want that and I tried being nice to Sylar and that wasn't worth it, I tried defending you from him and that didn't help, I only know so much protocol here!"
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Truthfully, Jim was a five year old and realized he was just hurt and it felt like the rational thing to do would be to make Sulu feel hurt, too.
But, that was stupid, and with an extended rant on Sulu's part for him to realize this, Jim's fist unclenched and he ran a hand through his hair, tugging it slightly and subconsciously noting that he needed a haircut again if that was possible. He pursed his lips into a thin line, avoiding Sulu's glance at first and then finally fixing on it. The silence that fell between them was anxious and extended because Jim just didn't know what to say.
"That's why saying you screwed up wasn't good enough. Because every time it was just following protocol or trying to manipulate me into forgiving you - you don't want to resign, but if you said it, you'd push me into saying I still want you around. And, I do. I needed you to get to the point where you said fuck protocol and meant the shit you were saying." His wording was impeccably clear that Sulu had accomplished this, but Jim realized that while he was being a woman, he probably needed it further spelled out so he couldn't read things into it that would dig him deeper.
"I forgive you. I understand. You can stop ... trying to shove your position on the Enterprise off onto Sylar now. It hurts, knowing someone feels like they can't trust you." He left out that he didn't really feel like he could trust Sulu as much anymore now, either. After all, honesty was a part of that, right? Jim really needed to spend less time around Sylar - it was getting hard to tell what was actually his own rational thought and what he'd had shouted at him in that whiny voice so many times it became second nature.
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It wasn't that he wanted to keep the argument going, he just... needed to make sure they were both on the same page. "And I really wish it were something I could explain better, but I do trust you, you're the only person I trust to not... let me do stupid things, which is why I should have contacted you instead of Dr. McCoy." He was just making it worse, he knew it. "I'll stop, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to... be clear."
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"No. Yeah. I mean, I get it." He didn't. But, you'd never be able to tell from his face, because it looked genuine enough. "Just know next time that you can come to me with anything, all right? It's what I'm here for." Personnel issues were, unfortunately, literally a part of the job description.
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