[Jack hangs his head. Just from the other man's tone of voice, he knows that he knows, that he's seen it, and it makes everything that much more difficult. He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, needing to wait another few moments after that before he can find the courage to speak up again.]
You saw, then. [A statement. There's no doubt of that anymore] Then you know that Ia--... [His breath catches; he can't say his name, not so soon after everything] He wanted me to tell you... [But he can't finish that sentence either. He squeezes his eyes shut]
[It was terrifying, hearing Jack start to say his name, because if he said it - he wasn't sure what would happen. The world would end, probably. Already did that, but. There was always another end of the world.]
Yeah. [He says it again, the only word in his vocabulary that doesn't make it harder. Yeah. He saw, he saw both videos, he even saw the one posted more recently because, because - maybe there'd been a mistake, he'd hoped, but. No.]
I know. [He steeled his voice, put on his best, "sir, yes sir" voice and said.] What now?
[Jack realizes that Sulu can't see him shrugging, but he does so anyway. He really has no idea. He really doesn't care either. He just can't keep going like this. Not when everywhere he turns there's just one more reminder of his mistakes]
Gwen's got Rhys and a baby on the way. The Hub is gone. There is no Torchwood anymore. There... [He bites his lip to keep it from starting to quiver again] There's nothing left to keep me here anymore...
[Sulu stares up at the ceiling of his cabin and for one blind moment, he almost thinks there's nothing left here, either. But that's a lie. He has a job, a duty, a crew. He has people he can't let down.]
... Where are you going to go? [He wonders how far a guy like Jack can run.]
[Jack brings the hand that isn't holding the phone to his ear up to pinch at the bridge of his nose. He doesn't suppose 'somewhere else' will be acceptable enough of an answer, here]
I don't know. Away. Away from everything that reminds me of...my mistakes. [Reminds him of Ianto. And Stephen. And Owen, and Toshiko, and Suzie, and Alex, and god, so many others. Somewhere where he doesn't need to hurt anymore. Wherever that is.]
I... I don't think you'll be hearing from me for a while. [If ever again. The possibility of that hangs in the air long after he's finished the sentence.]
[Part of him wants to shout at that, to take it in the worst way possible because yeah, yeah, this was a big fucking mistake on Jack's part, but - but -]
Don't do that. [He forces the words out, though his mouth feels like it's full of cotton.]
[Jack shakes his head] I can't stay here. I can't. [His bunker under the Hub is gone, there are too many memories at any of the properties he owns, Ianto's flat...is out of the question, he can't even look at Gwen anymore...]
[And what about the rest of them? Why did Jack get to leave when everyone else had to stay where they were?
...Because they have people they can't let down. Even if he already had -]
...Come stay with me. [Because he'd failed Ianto but this is something he can do, it's the only thing he can do now. It isn't like there was going to be shoreleave, any more. He covers his eyes with a hand.]
[Jack doesn't laugh at that suggestion because it isn't funny and he doesn't have enough of anything in him to fake it either. But if he feels guilty around Gwen, he can only imagine what he'd feel like if he stuck around Sulu. At least Gwen had 3, 4 years spent with Ianto. Sulu hadn't even gotten one.
He takes in another deep breath, not as quietly as he did before, trying to ease the tightness in his chest a little.] I'm not sure that that's a very good idea...
[Sulu closes his eyes and just. Listens. He can hear a group of ensigns outside his door, passing by on their way to engineering, and he knows that the bridge is full and he should be up there, but he can't be, not now. And none of them even know why. He'd told Kirk someone close to him had died, that was it. They had no idea. Except McCoy, but he. He couldn't. He couldn't even consider talking to him.]
Please, Jack. [He feels ashamed to be begging but Ianto had been glad when he'd asked for help before, and Sulu didn't want to let him down, not now.] Just. Just for a little while. I can't do this.
[Jack wants to scream at Sulu over the phone. He killed Ianto. Didn't he realize that? Ianto was dead and it was all Jack's fault and just looking at Sulu he knows he'd feel so goddamn guilty about all of that. But.
He owes it to Ianto. He can tell how badly this has effected the other, and he knows that he's one of the only other people who understands exactly what it is that they lost the day before. He doesn't know how he can help, or even if he can, but. He'd already failed Ianto one too many times.
He sighs, shakily.] Alright. If... If that's what you want... If that's what you want, then I'll come. I just. I can't promise you that I'll be the best of company.
[Sulu almost retracts the offer, the plea, but he doesn't. He's doing this for Ianto. He laughs, bitter and short, stopping in his tracks because he can just imagine the look on Ianto's face if he ever heard that sound come from him - except he won't.]
Yeah, well. I don't think I care about good company.
[Jack shuts his eyes, letting his head hang. The man on the phone isn't the same man that he met in the archives all those months ago, and he did this to him. God knows why Sulu wanted him there, but if he did, then Jack would go.]
I... I'll be a while, though. There are some things... Some things I need to arrange here, first. [He won't go into what. He doesn't want to and frankly, Sulu probably doesn't care. Flat Holm, for one. Making sure that things were arranged for there. Making sure Gwen's salary was arranged for as well. Selling off his various properties around the city. Then... Ianto. His body is now property of Torchwood. He has to see to it that it's properly stored in their cryovaults (obviously the ones in the storage facility since the Hub was off limits). God help him, he would leave whatever else of the procedure for Gwen to handle, but Ianto he has to take care of himself]
[Sulu doesn't want to know. He has ideas, he has theories, but it's like water in the back of his head, draining away and leaving nothing but bits of minerals.]
All right. Okay. Just come whenever, however. [He doesn't care about decorum or procedure any more, not now.]
Yeah. I... [He has to stop himself from apologizing right then and there. He owes the other man at least the courtesy of an apology face to face. Owes him the option of getting properly angry and punching him out or however Sulu deals with this kind of thing, Jack doesn't really know. He doesn't really know Sulu all that well. He only knows that Ianto and Sulu had had something great together, and now that was gone, and he was so very, very sorry for it.]
I'll be there in a couple hours or so. Don't worry about meeting me. I'll find you. [And then Jack hangs up, ending their call, tucking his cell phone back into his pocket and putting his face in his hands, just in time for Alice to come out of the doors down the corridor and look at him in disgust]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 05:25 am (UTC)You saw, then. [A statement. There's no doubt of that anymore] Then you know that Ia--... [His breath catches; he can't say his name, not so soon after everything] He wanted me to tell you... [But he can't finish that sentence either. He squeezes his eyes shut]
...but I think you know that already.
voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 05:34 am (UTC)Yeah. [He says it again, the only word in his vocabulary that doesn't make it harder. Yeah. He saw, he saw both videos, he even saw the one posted more recently because, because - maybe there'd been a mistake, he'd hoped, but. No.]
I know. [He steeled his voice, put on his best, "sir, yes sir" voice and said.] What now?
voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 06:28 am (UTC)Gwen's got Rhys and a baby on the way. The Hub is gone. There is no Torchwood anymore. There... [He bites his lip to keep it from starting to quiver again] There's nothing left to keep me here anymore...
voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 06:37 am (UTC)... Where are you going to go? [He wonders how far a guy like Jack can run.]
voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 06:46 am (UTC)I don't know. Away. Away from everything that reminds me of...my mistakes. [Reminds him of Ianto. And Stephen. And Owen, and Toshiko, and Suzie, and Alex, and god, so many others. Somewhere where he doesn't need to hurt anymore. Wherever that is.]
I... I don't think you'll be hearing from me for a while. [If ever again. The possibility of that hangs in the air long after he's finished the sentence.]
voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 06:54 am (UTC)Don't do that. [He forces the words out, though his mouth feels like it's full of cotton.]
voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 07:03 am (UTC)voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 07:13 am (UTC)...Because they have people they can't let down. Even if he already had -]
...Come stay with me. [Because he'd failed Ianto but this is something he can do, it's the only thing he can do now. It isn't like there was going to be shoreleave, any more. He covers his eyes with a hand.]
voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 07:32 am (UTC)He takes in another deep breath, not as quietly as he did before, trying to ease the tightness in his chest a little.] I'm not sure that that's a very good idea...
voice;
Date: 2010-10-29 06:55 pm (UTC)Please, Jack. [He feels ashamed to be begging but Ianto had been glad when he'd asked for help before, and Sulu didn't want to let him down, not now.] Just. Just for a little while. I can't do this.
voice;
Date: 2010-10-30 12:49 am (UTC)He owes it to Ianto. He can tell how badly this has effected the other, and he knows that he's one of the only other people who understands exactly what it is that they lost the day before. He doesn't know how he can help, or even if he can, but. He'd already failed Ianto one too many times.
He sighs, shakily.] Alright. If... If that's what you want... If that's what you want, then I'll come. I just. I can't promise you that I'll be the best of company.
voice;
Date: 2010-10-30 03:48 am (UTC)Yeah, well. I don't think I care about good company.
voice;
Date: 2010-10-30 04:29 am (UTC)I... I'll be a while, though. There are some things... Some things I need to arrange here, first. [He won't go into what. He doesn't want to and frankly, Sulu probably doesn't care. Flat Holm, for one. Making sure that things were arranged for there. Making sure Gwen's salary was arranged for as well. Selling off his various properties around the city. Then... Ianto. His body is now property of Torchwood. He has to see to it that it's properly stored in their cryovaults (obviously the ones in the storage facility since the Hub was off limits). God help him, he would leave whatever else of the procedure for Gwen to handle, but Ianto he has to take care of himself]
voice;
Date: 2010-10-30 04:43 am (UTC)All right. Okay. Just come whenever, however. [He doesn't care about decorum or procedure any more, not now.]
voice;
Date: 2010-10-30 05:07 am (UTC)I'll be there in a couple hours or so. Don't worry about meeting me. I'll find you. [And then Jack hangs up, ending their call, tucking his cell phone back into his pocket and putting his face in his hands, just in time for Alice to come out of the doors down the corridor and look at him in disgust]